Today is definitely a bad day for me.
The same problem at work has been haunting me for weeks,
Corporate people just don't spare me,
or maybe they don't even have choice,
as they also have their own boss to answer to :(

I study the template for weeks,
I analyze the actual result for weeks,
I compare the variance for weeks,
yet I still could not solve the problem :(

Why?
I just don't understand why?
Why I can't solve this?
Why am I putting so much effort,
yet I still can't solve this?
Is it because there is no way to solve?
Well, this is definitely not a good answer to tell your boss.
Is it because I am too dumb?
When people develop something and tell you this is valid,
you can verify this,
it really works!
Why the hell am I still struggling on this
just because it doesn't work on my situation?

Colleagues are worrying about me,
they think that I over stressed myself.
While I keep thinking,
if I work harder,
there will be something pops out in my mind,
and that's the answer!
If I work harder, just a little bit harder...
Is it because now I did not work hard enough?

Despite of so much effort put in,
all I see is failure.
I can't answer to my boss,
I think I let them down :(
I don't want people to think that I'm finding excuse for myself,
but I already left with no idea :(

I'm tired.
It is still a "why".
Why I just can't solve it?

Since when I lost my self-esteem?
I no longer confident in myself,
especially work.
I always being absent-minded.
I panic when I have to explain on something
which I am very new to it.
I was ok before that,
but I reveal all weakness when I am standing in front of boss.
People has been telling me,
doing such thing at my age,
with just 1yr+ experience,
I am actually good enough.
But why am I still seeing myself
so dumb, so unprofessional, so immature.

I cried,
not because I want to ask for sympathy,
is because I mad at myself,
why I just can't solve it?